In my mind I am able to easily fabricate a long list of plausible excuses as to why I have purposely avoided transcribing my thoughts, my emotions as of late are conflicted, in the past I have often felt the anxious burden of unspoken thoughts purged from my mind simply by documenting it within these leather bound pages. I am unclear to why that has changed, perhaps writing them down makes them elevates their validity.
As hard as it is to resist, I will not allow myself to crumble under the weight of those things I can not control.
The past hands have been emotionally grueling for I was offered a clear look into what my life would be without my sons. Until that point I realize that I have casually taken for granted all those things that are important to me. My first reaction was to find an outlet for my blame, the weight of spoken and unspoken accusation falling to rest heavy upon Taimh, yet I have come to understand that I alone shoulder the responsibly for nearly losing Seth & Tynan. I had become almost consumed with business, every waking moment has either been spent in the cultivation of clients and overseeing the recent completion of my Inn instead of paying attention to those things around me, paying far to much attention to the future than the present and it nearly cost me everything.
In light of everything that has happened I have decided to seek out an investor to help absorb the cost of both businesses.
The decision is not one that I take lightly, yet I am unable to fully dedicate myself to being both a mother and successful proprietor.
The burden is simply to difficult.
Two hands ago I received a scroll from Physician unknown to me, I put it aside until I found it again among my scrolls. It bore the wax seal of Port Kar, my chest tightened as I opened it to read the writings, in it contained the revaluation that I have both dreaded and anticipated.
The man I formally called my father, is dying. The news makes me numb, hardening the already rough exterior of my mood.I don't know what he expected I assume his mind is clouded and distorted, for why else would he think that I would actuallyhonor his final request to bring my son's to see him. In my mind he is long since dead. The scroll torn up and burned within the hearth. It will be yet another thing that I simply will not speak of.
The increasing pressure builds seeking an outlet that is unfamiliar to me.
I have been alone for so long, yet until recently I never felt alone. In the dark days that followed the disappearance of Seth & Tynan, I felt myself slipping back into that world of utter seclusion, it is a dangerous place that is familiar to me.
Only now with the passage of time can I clearly reflect upon the difference that exists between myself and the other worried parents that stood anxiously gathered around the snow covered tent, the one word best used to describe it would be support. Alone I stood, like a desolate island, the warmth of my suppressed tears finding no public outlet, brief temporary shelter found in the comforting anxious embrace of my former companion. It touched me more than I would ever openly admit, it makes me question the choices concerning the path I have taken. While others naturally sought out friends and family for comfort during such uncertain times, I remained steadfastly solitude. Once the City leaders had left the scene did I walk alone back to the bakery, warmth of my heavy cloak did nothing to rid me of the deep chill, openly I wept.
I am at a loss to pinpoint the exact time I have became so cold, so calculating and guarded.
I am uncertain to why I seek out others to blame instead of shouldering the burden of responsibility.
I above all realize that I am flawed, my perceptions concerning other tainted. The journey to acceptance is continuous.
I wish at times to awaken refreshed as a blank canvas, experience however has taught me such a change is only made possible by my own hand.
I find myself struggling to acquire the tools necessary to alter my path of my future.
The idea of actually allow another into my fills me with turmoil and makes me feel vulnerable.
In a crowd I have always stood alone, until recently it was something never bothered me.
The one true constant, my work has begun to slowly betray me, no longer does it fill my every waking thought.
I have always thought it to be enough, yet I am learning that it fails to bring me comfort on those cold dark nights.
The realization only now spills from my fingertips to parchment, I want another child.
I think I would like a daughter. In light of the recent events that have transpired, I question my own mortality.
As hard as it is for me to admit, the time draws close from Tynan to go to live with Taimh. The inner turmoil that I face concerning losing my son, affects me deeply. The protective motherly bonds temporary relinquished, I will not be consumed by the constant fear the gripes my heart, I will carry out my previous agenda, Tynan will be returned to Taimh's care this very morning to continue his previously interrupted visit.
The struggle constant, yet I have no real choice but to accept those very things I can't not change.
A sense of elusive peace, is slowly returning.
As hard as it is to resist, I will not allow myself to crumble under the weight of those things I can not control.
The past hands have been emotionally grueling for I was offered a clear look into what my life would be without my sons. Until that point I realize that I have casually taken for granted all those things that are important to me. My first reaction was to find an outlet for my blame, the weight of spoken and unspoken accusation falling to rest heavy upon Taimh, yet I have come to understand that I alone shoulder the responsibly for nearly losing Seth & Tynan. I had become almost consumed with business, every waking moment has either been spent in the cultivation of clients and overseeing the recent completion of my Inn instead of paying attention to those things around me, paying far to much attention to the future than the present and it nearly cost me everything.
In light of everything that has happened I have decided to seek out an investor to help absorb the cost of both businesses.
The decision is not one that I take lightly, yet I am unable to fully dedicate myself to being both a mother and successful proprietor.
The burden is simply to difficult.
Two hands ago I received a scroll from Physician unknown to me, I put it aside until I found it again among my scrolls. It bore the wax seal of Port Kar, my chest tightened as I opened it to read the writings, in it contained the revaluation that I have both dreaded and anticipated.
The man I formally called my father, is dying. The news makes me numb, hardening the already rough exterior of my mood.I don't know what he expected I assume his mind is clouded and distorted, for why else would he think that I would actuallyhonor his final request to bring my son's to see him. In my mind he is long since dead. The scroll torn up and burned within the hearth. It will be yet another thing that I simply will not speak of.
The increasing pressure builds seeking an outlet that is unfamiliar to me.
I have been alone for so long, yet until recently I never felt alone. In the dark days that followed the disappearance of Seth & Tynan, I felt myself slipping back into that world of utter seclusion, it is a dangerous place that is familiar to me.
Only now with the passage of time can I clearly reflect upon the difference that exists between myself and the other worried parents that stood anxiously gathered around the snow covered tent, the one word best used to describe it would be support. Alone I stood, like a desolate island, the warmth of my suppressed tears finding no public outlet, brief temporary shelter found in the comforting anxious embrace of my former companion. It touched me more than I would ever openly admit, it makes me question the choices concerning the path I have taken. While others naturally sought out friends and family for comfort during such uncertain times, I remained steadfastly solitude. Once the City leaders had left the scene did I walk alone back to the bakery, warmth of my heavy cloak did nothing to rid me of the deep chill, openly I wept.
I am at a loss to pinpoint the exact time I have became so cold, so calculating and guarded.
I am uncertain to why I seek out others to blame instead of shouldering the burden of responsibility.
I above all realize that I am flawed, my perceptions concerning other tainted. The journey to acceptance is continuous.
I wish at times to awaken refreshed as a blank canvas, experience however has taught me such a change is only made possible by my own hand.
I find myself struggling to acquire the tools necessary to alter my path of my future.
The idea of actually allow another into my fills me with turmoil and makes me feel vulnerable.
In a crowd I have always stood alone, until recently it was something never bothered me.
The one true constant, my work has begun to slowly betray me, no longer does it fill my every waking thought.
I have always thought it to be enough, yet I am learning that it fails to bring me comfort on those cold dark nights.
The realization only now spills from my fingertips to parchment, I want another child.
I think I would like a daughter. In light of the recent events that have transpired, I question my own mortality.
As hard as it is for me to admit, the time draws close from Tynan to go to live with Taimh. The inner turmoil that I face concerning losing my son, affects me deeply. The protective motherly bonds temporary relinquished, I will not be consumed by the constant fear the gripes my heart, I will carry out my previous agenda, Tynan will be returned to Taimh's care this very morning to continue his previously interrupted visit.
The struggle constant, yet I have no real choice but to accept those very things I can't not change.
A sense of elusive peace, is slowly returning.
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