I lay here alone upon my comfortable couch.
My bags packed and ready to be transported to Ar Station.
It has been many a hands since I have felt the desire to express my thoughts in scripted form. I express them now in hopes of clearing my mind before I depart.
The passing of the Artist left me dishearted. I found myself reminded of the sudden loss of the Tarn Keeper. I wonder at times if I shall ever truly overcome the loss of him.The depths of suppressed feelings brought to the surface reminding me of the fragile bonds of our very existence. I will not forget her, yet I cannot allow myself to dwell.
I face the future with renewed promise.
Zennenia came to see me at my shop, she was not alone. Accompanied by the usual suspects, one exception coloring the pack she brought with her my son. I had not seen him in 2 en'vars. My heart had remained closed off to the possibility of ever seeing him again. I foolishly thought that I had came to terms with such, that I could simply cut him out of my life in an effort to save myself the pain associated with not being a key figure in his upbringing. I found myself wary and hesitate to reach for him, my mind conflicted with my heart, knowing that I was a stranger to my own blood.
It pained me to even look upon him at first, yet it would quickly change to shock and disbelief to hear that I was to keep him until he turned 7 en'vars.
A lifetime worth of experience caused the initial shock to be replaced with suspicion.
I did not think the woman above attempting to try to somehow cause me problems.
I sent him almost immediately to Port Kar with Sekret, to remain under her protection and care until I could meet with Taimh, fear gripped my heart causing me to take whatever precaution I deemed necessary.
I know now that I have met with Taimh that was false speculation.
I was surprised and somewhat unnerved when he did not balk over the fact that I wished written documentation concerning the new arrangement. He did however seem genuinely confused over the terms that had been arranged.
In the course of our brief conversation I found Taimh not to be the man I once companioned. I found it sad and disheartening that he seemed to have lost complete control over such critical decisions concerning his son. A fact that would be brought to light during our conversation. It makes me question many things, including his character, for if there is one thing I knew to be true concerning Taimh it was the fact that he coveted those things that he considered his own. It makes me feel conflicted inside a very real part of me is happy to have my son back in my life, yet another is saddened over the loss of his father's presence. I spoke of my desire to let Tynan spend time with his father, yet I have since thought better of such, for I cannot in good consciences allow him such access. Not right away at least.
I question his judgement and priorities that allow a once strong Warrior to be clearly deceived and manipulated.
If the result of such consuming desire and want means distancing yourself from your own blood then I happily resign myself to a life spent without such involvements.
The crux of my dispassionate anger, and frustration is that I find it is disturbing that Tynan can be displaced so easily, despite the advantages that I gain, I know that this unexpected change leaves his young mind to question the removal of the only life he experienced.
I will not add to that by speaking ill of either of them within his presence.
Upon careful consideration I am led to believe that his lifetime companion is carrying his child, if that is the case I will attempt to make a show of wishing them well if the opportunity presents itself.
I have no reason to harbor any ill will towards either of them.
Yet I shall continue to keep my distance from them both.
I will admit here between these pages of rence that I wish it could have different,
that I wish it had been Taimh that had brought Tynan to me, that we could have openly worked out an arrangement concerning our son, then perhaps I would not be bothered with these plaguing doubts concerning his true intentions and outside influences concerning his first born son, yet that was not met to be.
Perhaps I should not place such emphasis on the delivery instead focus on the gift.Yet it does bother me and color my overall outlook and strengthen my resolve to provide a stable environment for myself and my sons.
Another unexpected turn of events brought me to purchase a piece of property located within the Central Cylinder. The structure is run down and neglected, an out of place eyesore located among the prosperous. Perhaps it was the reason alone that I felt it beckon to me. I found myself visiting the rubble on more than one occasion, I would tell myself that it was simply a convenient route to be taken after overseeing my bakery deliveries.
The purchase price made me nervous. I dipped into Seth's saving set aside from the Artist.
A risky move. It will cost a great deal to be brought up to its potential.
Yet one that I am hopeful shall net prosperous results as one of the finest Inn in all of the Ar.
On a lighter note.
I attended a masquerade ball two night back. I suppose it should have come to no real surprise that I found myself oddly out of place wearing the last remaining costume the shop had to offer. The upswing however would be that my true identity remained unseen beneath the cheap brown velvet. It gave me an excuse to visit the spacious estate. If it is possible it is more magnificent that I had anticipated. I regret that fact that I was not rewarded with at least consideration when it came to providing baked good for the inhabitants. However upon visiting to view the spread laid out I now understand that they are quite equipped with the coin and the resources to hire the best on site cooks in the City. Thus my ego has been restored seeing it not slight concerning my own abilities.
To be honest I found the night a pleasant distraction from the mask I normally hide behind. It allowed me to feel a sense of obscure freedom I have not tasted in quite sometime. I have since decided to keep the rental, I am still not sure why, perhaps only as a fond reminder to branch out and enjoy myself more often.
Tonight I set sail to Port Kar to fully reclaim what is mine.
My bags packed and ready to be transported to Ar Station.
It has been many a hands since I have felt the desire to express my thoughts in scripted form. I express them now in hopes of clearing my mind before I depart.
The passing of the Artist left me dishearted. I found myself reminded of the sudden loss of the Tarn Keeper. I wonder at times if I shall ever truly overcome the loss of him.The depths of suppressed feelings brought to the surface reminding me of the fragile bonds of our very existence. I will not forget her, yet I cannot allow myself to dwell.
I face the future with renewed promise.
Zennenia came to see me at my shop, she was not alone. Accompanied by the usual suspects, one exception coloring the pack she brought with her my son. I had not seen him in 2 en'vars. My heart had remained closed off to the possibility of ever seeing him again. I foolishly thought that I had came to terms with such, that I could simply cut him out of my life in an effort to save myself the pain associated with not being a key figure in his upbringing. I found myself wary and hesitate to reach for him, my mind conflicted with my heart, knowing that I was a stranger to my own blood.
It pained me to even look upon him at first, yet it would quickly change to shock and disbelief to hear that I was to keep him until he turned 7 en'vars.
A lifetime worth of experience caused the initial shock to be replaced with suspicion.
I did not think the woman above attempting to try to somehow cause me problems.
I sent him almost immediately to Port Kar with Sekret, to remain under her protection and care until I could meet with Taimh, fear gripped my heart causing me to take whatever precaution I deemed necessary.
I know now that I have met with Taimh that was false speculation.
I was surprised and somewhat unnerved when he did not balk over the fact that I wished written documentation concerning the new arrangement. He did however seem genuinely confused over the terms that had been arranged.
In the course of our brief conversation I found Taimh not to be the man I once companioned. I found it sad and disheartening that he seemed to have lost complete control over such critical decisions concerning his son. A fact that would be brought to light during our conversation. It makes me question many things, including his character, for if there is one thing I knew to be true concerning Taimh it was the fact that he coveted those things that he considered his own. It makes me feel conflicted inside a very real part of me is happy to have my son back in my life, yet another is saddened over the loss of his father's presence. I spoke of my desire to let Tynan spend time with his father, yet I have since thought better of such, for I cannot in good consciences allow him such access. Not right away at least.
I question his judgement and priorities that allow a once strong Warrior to be clearly deceived and manipulated.
If the result of such consuming desire and want means distancing yourself from your own blood then I happily resign myself to a life spent without such involvements.
The crux of my dispassionate anger, and frustration is that I find it is disturbing that Tynan can be displaced so easily, despite the advantages that I gain, I know that this unexpected change leaves his young mind to question the removal of the only life he experienced.
I will not add to that by speaking ill of either of them within his presence.
Upon careful consideration I am led to believe that his lifetime companion is carrying his child, if that is the case I will attempt to make a show of wishing them well if the opportunity presents itself.
I have no reason to harbor any ill will towards either of them.
Yet I shall continue to keep my distance from them both.
I will admit here between these pages of rence that I wish it could have different,
that I wish it had been Taimh that had brought Tynan to me, that we could have openly worked out an arrangement concerning our son, then perhaps I would not be bothered with these plaguing doubts concerning his true intentions and outside influences concerning his first born son, yet that was not met to be.
Perhaps I should not place such emphasis on the delivery instead focus on the gift.Yet it does bother me and color my overall outlook and strengthen my resolve to provide a stable environment for myself and my sons.
Another unexpected turn of events brought me to purchase a piece of property located within the Central Cylinder. The structure is run down and neglected, an out of place eyesore located among the prosperous. Perhaps it was the reason alone that I felt it beckon to me. I found myself visiting the rubble on more than one occasion, I would tell myself that it was simply a convenient route to be taken after overseeing my bakery deliveries.
The purchase price made me nervous. I dipped into Seth's saving set aside from the Artist.
A risky move. It will cost a great deal to be brought up to its potential.
Yet one that I am hopeful shall net prosperous results as one of the finest Inn in all of the Ar.
On a lighter note.
I attended a masquerade ball two night back. I suppose it should have come to no real surprise that I found myself oddly out of place wearing the last remaining costume the shop had to offer. The upswing however would be that my true identity remained unseen beneath the cheap brown velvet. It gave me an excuse to visit the spacious estate. If it is possible it is more magnificent that I had anticipated. I regret that fact that I was not rewarded with at least consideration when it came to providing baked good for the inhabitants. However upon visiting to view the spread laid out I now understand that they are quite equipped with the coin and the resources to hire the best on site cooks in the City. Thus my ego has been restored seeing it not slight concerning my own abilities.
To be honest I found the night a pleasant distraction from the mask I normally hide behind. It allowed me to feel a sense of obscure freedom I have not tasted in quite sometime. I have since decided to keep the rental, I am still not sure why, perhaps only as a fond reminder to branch out and enjoy myself more often.
Tonight I set sail to Port Kar to fully reclaim what is mine.
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